Yabberjackie

I have not written in a long time. I do have excuses, work, working on a relationship, work again, running, shopping, you know the gammut…but I think about writing, so that is what matters right?

In my insanity of starting a new job, working on a relationship, training for a half marathon, trying to catch up on things that I was too ill and sad to do in the last 7 months, I have gotten busy. Very busy. Like so busy that for the first time since university I had difficulty going to bed before 12am because I am so wound tightly that I am incapable of falling asleep. I move all day. I have 24 special needs preschoolers, 3 magnificent CDF’s, 48 parents and 6 therapists that I work for. I move all day. I do not sit except to read a story. That is truly the best part of my day, I try to pick long ones that I love so we can all sit for a little bit.

Busy is good. I actually really love it, I am happy with where I am, I am happy that Batman and I are working, I am happy that my job makes the minutes feel like nanoseconds and I am so happy to into work I wake up BEFORE my alarm clock goes off. Something that has not happened since, well, I was 7? I feel the flow of my organization, eating well, running well, my friends are close to me, my family is taken care of in my eyes. All is good.

Until Tuesday.

My body became overwhelmed. I was ignoring the signs. The sore throat, the fidgets, the sleeping in and being JUST on time for work. Then the tooth. Ah yes the ignored tooth that can always be “paid for” later. It became an emergency. The rest of the week was spent not running, not with friends, not working effectively and not being any help to anyone but the hole in my mouth.

So I sat still. Mostly because I needed to. But also because I realized that I took on a little bit too much a little bit too fast. And I sat still. This weekend I grudgingly turned down an offer to party to stay home and rest. It was active rest, it was baking, but I was nurturing myself. In my frantic pace I was unable to make the things I needed to nourish my special body, and paid for it in an allergic reaction after a poor choice.  I had a fantastic lunch with a friend, and was lucky enough to enjoy the sunshine a little bit and walk for a bit in the park. I could not run because I am still in a bit of pain, so I had to walk. At first I thought walking would be excruciating for my body as it longs to take off and run. But, in my self imposed rule to walk I noticed a pheasant, a brown squirrel (not a ucky black one), fighting sparrows and little kids laugh. I walked for about an hour.  Alone. It was so still. The leaves are turning, the air is cooler, fall is coming, it is my favorite time.  And now as I sit and write this, I feel better, my tooth pain is still there, I am still sniffly, but my mind is clear and my eyes feel brighter. I have thought through the things that have ailed me emotionally and physically this weekend. Are my problems solved? I wish. But I do feel like my mental clutter has been reset. I am ready to be my best me this week. For me first, for my kids, for my colleagues, for my family, for the one I love a lot, for my friends. For the people who might need me.

What I have come to realize is that solitude and stillness are fulfilling. Where I used to run away from it for years, I run to it now. How was I ever able to think when all that I was filled with was people, noise and thoughts? How did I ever problem solve when all I did was do do do? When I had lunch with my friend today, I recognized in her how she had been giving everything away. She taught me to take always what I needed for my soul and body first and then give, and now I had to reflect that on to her. I am sending her all of my thoughts and love, for I know she needs it. But, what if we stopped for a bit? In my 24 hours of pretty much silence and solitude I have realized that I am flying too fast for my body to handle. After all, I am NOT 21 anymore. I need to take the time in my jam packed life for my mind to unpack the thoughts and feelings and memories and problems. When people are there I now have to admit, that will not work for me. I have changed, and in turn I have changed the way I solve problems (thank god for all!) and think of things (hallelujah!) and do things (finally) and I know now that the ONLY way I will survive is to shut my mouth, shut my brain and be still for a little bit.

Sit still. Watch the moss grow. Listen to the wind. Hear little kids with little words singing. Sip your coffee slowly. Stop walking. Walk instead of run. Bake for 3 hours food I can eat comfortably. Breathe.

A friend often asks me how I see signs and lessons in so much. I cant answer that darling, you have to just be open. But my lesson I learnt from my one little gnarly tooth that I ignored for so long, was that I need to remember the biggest lesson I have learned this year….
No matter how many 3 year olds need you, no matter how much you want to be beside that beautiful man, no matter how much you want to spend hours on the phone with your mom, or spend in starbucks with your BFFEL, or how many kms you NEED to run, or how many IPP’s goals for your kids you can finish in a day. If you dont sit still, you won’t get to hear the story.

♥Jacqueline

...and then with one last beautiful sweeping turn, he dropped out of sight. Gone to become the powder.

My friend Bruce has been fighting the worst battle of his entire life and has surrendered to the end and has passed away. Cancer was the culprit, seething throughout his blood, it gave him no chance to excercise his right to fight. He did for a while, but the disease was much too much.

To be honest, I have never had a friend leave earth. I have had 2 people close to me leave, but never a friend. It feels different.

Bruce was different. Dan and I met Bruce, M.F. and Emelie in December of 2007. We went out for some Powder, to learn to snowboard and to get away for New Years Eve. When we got to their house we were astonished at the hospitality Bruce and M.F. showed us. While M.F. took care of Emelie, Bruce shared a glass of wine and ski stories. I thought that Dan may have gone to heaven, someone who had the love of skiing like him, was one of the nicest guys in the area, and showed us the routes to boot! We had a great time while in Golden that winter.

Spring came, and after being back to Golden a few more times, we decided that we NEEDED to be there. I remember saying to Dan, “If everyone in Golden is as nice as Bruce is, we need to be here forever” and he agreed. We purchased our land out there soon after.

Bruce inspired me. He inspired me to think outside the box in my relationships, in the way I honored the hill, in my outlook on life. I did not know Bruce’s story inside and out, but I was astonished at how easily he shared things with me that other people may not be comfortable sharing. I would often ask him questions, that perhaps I would not ask anyone else that I knew on a level like Bruce, and he would oblige, with the truth and from the heart. Bruce inspired me to become a better snowboarder, to understand the importance of community- in a place like Golden, to take chances, to live life to the very fullest. I can still picture his smile beaming back at me when he made rice bread for me. He took a risk at 5:30am for me and it turned out beautifully. Nobody else has attempted that feat.

The last night I spent with Bruce before I left for Regina for the summer was awesome. We chatted all night and he made supper for me. That is right, Bruce, who I was there to take care of, made supper for me.  I remember I woke up hourly to listen across the hall to make sure he was still there and comfortable. Even close to the sickest he was, he was still so kind to me, I remember leaving that morning and feeling like if I never got to see him again on earth, he would definitely be part of my heaven. On the ski hill of course. In the meadow.

Bruce taught me that it is imparative that we do not take a single day for granted. He lived life. Bruce lived to the max, he was successful, he was happy no matter what. Bruce worked a lot of bars and serving. He was a people person, and even though the money was likely not always great, if it got him a lift ticket or some time to ride his bike, it was the best job ever.  He was able to start a beautiful business and had two of the most beautiful ladies in his life. Emelie will forever be in my heart, I know God only gives us what we can handle, and even though it will be very difficult forever, Emelie has the fight of Bruce in her to do it. M.F. will forever be in my heart, she will do amazing things with Emelie and I hope she can grieve and be sad and then know that Bruce is always one turn ahead of her (or behind her) on the ski hill.

It is with a heavy heart that I say in my own way, good bye for now Bruce. My first run this year will be fore you. One day,  I will see you in the Meadow. Bring powder.

Lately I have been thinking about my 90%. I have a lot of history with my 90%.

In  high school, I always seemed to get 89.9% on everything, knowing I can get much better.

I trained for 90% of a half marathon once, only to bail and not do the half marathon.

I can get through 90% of the school year being organized, happy and healthy, and fall apart on June 1st each year.

I will often write something and fall apart on the ending or last paragraph.

I will plan 90% of my day when teaching and leave the 10% for “tomorrow” or on my prep (when I have to clean up the last week’s 10%’s). Most times that 10% is forgotten at the student’s expense.

I will clean 90% of my living area and leave 10% behind to do later.

I will run 90% of the distance I have set out to run, only to stop and finish with 10% left.

When I dont finish right to 100% I feel a bit empty, a bit deflated, like I have left too much unattended and it weighs heavily on my brain. I think about it and regret often not finishing. Somethings I can finish, but others the moment has passed and I have no chance of changing it. I think it takes a toll on my life, and makes other things difficult to move out to the 100%. It leaves me with less control. It does not get me where I want to be.

Lately I have been trying to push through my 90%. I am attmpting to find that place where I can push through and finish things delightfully to the end and feel really good about it. I have been trying to run through, to push through feelings and thoughts and things I need to do. I try to accomplish as much as I possibly can without leaving that 10% hanging in the universe waiting to be done “tomorrow” or “later”.

Today is later, and today is the tomorrow we were waiting for. What if I leave my 10% behind and never get a chance to try again? What if I break my leg tomorrow and never get a chance to do the half marathon that I want to do? What if I never get the chance to finish what I want to finish or feel completely what I want to feel or heaven forbid, follow through with the plans that I can make to 90% and need the extra 10% completion rate?

What is your 10%? I have someone in my life that does things 30% and leaves 70% undone, I have someone in my life who gets 80% and then is unsatisfied by non-perfection and will not finish the other 20% that needs to be done. What is your number? Maybe you dont have a number. That is cool. But how much further can you go? How much more can you stretch?

I was telling my girls yesterday how it was so interesting how cadet hairstyles have changed over the last few years.

When I first started cadets it was pretty standard to have your hair put back in a bun, either in the middle of your head or at the top so that your wedge could go over top of it.I remember when girls used to get bigger wedges so they could put their wedge on the outside of their bun. Ick.

After that what was cool was parting your hair in the middle and gelling it down into a low bun.

About 6 years ago Central Region introduced the side part. I remember first seeing it when I went to Ottawa on Nationals. It is the hair parted on the side and a clear part in your hair all the way back.

In the meantime double braids and french one stroke braids were cool. I found them to be quite impractical because they would always fall out and be annoying.

The last few years have been the bang swoop. Where you put a small part in your bangs with a low bun. It is my personal fav.

Now, the new and improved Braided swoop. Bangs braided with hair gelled down and in a low bun.

Perhaps I will get my girls to do the styles and model them…more to follow.

people who are willing to help ♥ surprise visits from dad ♥ random running into people ♥ new clothes ♥ warm jammies ♥ days that you can chill with your girlfriends and cosmo ♥ interesting laughs ♥ inside jokes ♥ pick-up lines ♥ ice cream ♥ people believing in me ♥ small words of encouragement ♥ hot drinks and people who’s smiles light up a room ♥ my dad believing in me ♥ encouraging instructors ♥ “get your pointy hat on” ♥ tolerance and understanding ♥ Freddy and Radar and Okee, our pets ♥ missing Velvet for the next 3 weeks ♥ for my dad! ♥ people noticing improvement ♥ everyone passing the PSTAR (PS…the only Fly Schol in the Region to have EVERYONE PASS!!!! MUAHAHAHA!)

Things we learned:
Its ok to ask for help when we need it
Face my fears
The hardest part of an exam is not failing, but doing better on the next one
Not the destination it is the journey to get there
The actual realization that I am here and doing this!
We have awesome instructors!
No matter how much I know I still know nothing compared to what I need to know
Not to take things for granted life

the smell after it rains, calling home and knowing they miss you, happy dogs, Freddy (the hangar dog), Radar (the hangar cat that snuggles with the girls during ground school- and gets kicked out ) , coloring on Radar, people that believed I wouldnt get this scholarship- they pushed me to succeed, grateful for not being at penhold, no boy zone, meeting new people and and new friends, for my parents because they are making sacrifices on the farm for me to be here, natural sounds in the enviroment, eskimos hat that catches the attention of the Roughriders we live with, having a patient instructor, showers that do not feel too hot or too cold, staff that wont take away my phone (yet- edited by Jacqueline), runs in the rain, wind in the trees, girls that make Velvet and Jacqueline laugh our butts off, boys without shirts in the park, nicknames – like Velve, Ging, and Dan Man, funny and relaxed staff, getting away from home drama and changes, having different expectations on you, being able to be yourself with friends that you went to glider with, opportunity to work with super fly girls, Ford Flex that looks like a hurst, pop of freshness from the apple juice bottle, Jacqueline’s driving waiver, having a piano to play, ice cream

We are having a blast and week 1 together is almost over!

Moms and Dad’s we send you love!

I am keeping them all safe and you have wonderful daughters!!!!!

1. Snowshoe 8km or more
2. Surf in the ocean
3. Drive to Vancouver
4. PEI Bike tour with mom
5. Either Colorado or Utah Snowboarding
6. 101 Yoga Classes
7. 1/2 Marathon
8. Tropical Vacation
9. Visit New York City
10. Create and stick to a budget for 6 months
11. Pay off Mastercard
12. Cut up said Mastercard
13. Create a 3 month emergency money fund
14. Learn to knit
15. Learn some guitar
16. Do 5 jumps that are higher than 6 ft on my snowboard
17. Take a swimming lesson
18. Take a modern dance class
19. Read 3 finacial planning books
20. Learn to identify 10 different bird species
21. Learn to identify 20 different wild plants
22. Meditate for 7 minutes 30 days in a row
23. Adjust wake up time to 6am consistently
24. Journal 1 page 30 days in a row
25. Do a 10km race in less than 1:09
26. Do a 5K race in less than 29:35
27. Do a mini triathalon
28. Learn to redo upholstered furniture
29. Paint a picture worthy of hanging in my house
30. Get my photos printed and in albums
31. Backcountry camp
32. Backcountry snowboard
33. Watch Kyla’s list of movies I must see
34. Read 5 classic childrens novels
35. Plant a garden with carrots, peas, beets, lettuce, tomatoes
36. Learn how to do some canning.
37. Learn to make pierogies
38. Can 7 different items
39. Write a letter to my 30 year old self
40. Raft the bow
41. Glacier climb
42. Take a rock climbing class
43. Swim under a waterfall
44. Play one season of Rec Soccer
45. Go on a 3 day date
46. Take a photography class
47. Go vegan for 3 days
48. Go vegetarian for 1 week
49. Eat “raw” Brekfast and lunch for 1 week
50. Go 3 weeks without missing my vitamins or probiotics
51. Create a fancy cake
52. Buy nothing for one week
53. Not miss church for 6 weeks in a row
54. Eat only unprocessed foods for 1 week
55. Wear high heels every Monday for a month.
56. Take 2 spontaneius trips
57. Have Julie do my photos
58. Go Whitewater rafting
59. Take another whitewater rafting class
60. Sew a baby quilt
61. Learn 25 homeopathic remedies
62. Have one zero impact day
63. Get a composter
64. Get pots and pans that will last 25 years without breaking
65. Get a hot stone massage
66. Have “High Tea” in Banff or Lake Louise
67. Ski Castle Mountain
68. Do an ER run at Lake louise
69. Learn to play 3 card games
70. Get a dog
71. Get a fish
72. Serve supper at the Foothills shelter
73. Go to a movie alone
74. Take 1 skiing lesson
75. Skinny dip
76. Learn how to tell the difference between 2 wines
77. Have a fancy Christmas party
78. Give 5 homemade Christmas gifts (not baking)
79. Eat at an Ethiopian Restaurant
80. Eat at an African Resturant
81. Treat a friend to fancy dinner just because
82. Write a letter to 5 inspirational women thanking them
83. Cancel Cable.
84. Finish my cloud project.
85. Go to the zoo
86. Visit 10 different museums
87. Close the bar at Stampede
88. Try Waterskiing
89. Take a low level snowboard instructing course
90. Read the Alchemist
91. Read Finding your North Star
92. Learn 10 constellations and identify them
93. Keep a houseplant alive for 365 days
94. Zip line
95. Smudge.
96. Re-file life papers
97. Open RRSP
98. Learn to jive
99. Get a small tattoo
100. Get engaged to the man of my dreams
101. Have a butterfly land on my finger again.