What do you do…

When everything is going delightfully….and you are doing so well, and you are cruizing right along and then BAM! It all comes to a stop and you regress to a place where you hate and you are crushing the other person you used to be into a corner and saying STAY THERE YOU FILTHY THING. What do you do when all the progress you made becomes shattered by a few crummy mistakes and insecurities and now you are back at square one, but not really square one because progress means you can never go back to square one.

When working with kids with special needs, especially with Autisim, sometimes people say that they will do so well then regress and then surge ahead. I have not experienced this myself. But that is what I feel like. I feel like I made all this progress in my life, in fact about 2 weeks ago I posted my facebook status to be “I am so happy, I could not ask for anything more” and I was. But now I feel all yucky. Like there is dirt inside me. Maybe it is because I did not do acupuncture this month, maybe its because I am not eating well and eating too much sugar. I have been tumbling over and over and over in my brain what it is. I have no idea. All I know is that I need to be VERY gentle with myself. For it is in the being too hard on ourselves that we crush the success that we have had. I admit it has been a super tough week. I have fallen and skinned my knees, but its 930 on Sunday night. And by golly I will not wake up to that week again.

This week I will go backwards a little bit. Reground myself. Root back to Mother Earth. Root back into the my job and my home. Root back to my strength that I have inside, and try to find that place of pure bliss that I felt at that very moment just outside Canmore 2 weeks ago after a goregous day on the hill.

I suppose if you have had it once you know what it feels like for next time. I can find it again.


101 things to do updated- by May 22nd 2012

Here is my updated list. Some things are done, some things are revised!

By March 22nd 2012:

1.  Snowshoe 8km or more
2. Surf in the ocean
3. Drive to Vancouver
4. PEI Bike tour
5. Either Colorado or Utah Snowboarding
6. 101 Yoga Classes
7. 1/2 Marathon– Check! Done October 2009
8. Tropical Vacation
9. Visit New York City
10. Create and stick to a budget for 6 months
11. Pay off Mastercard
12. Cut up said Mastercard– Check!
13. Create a 3 month emergency money fund
14. Learn to knit
15. Learn some guitar
16. Do 5 jumps that are higher than 6 ft on my snowboard
17. Take a swimming lesson– Check! Total Immersion swimming!

This was not technically a swimming LESSON, but it was instructional. My list, my rules !
18. Take a modern dance class
19. Read 3 finacial planning books
20. Learn to identify 10 different bird species
21. Learn to identify 20 different wild plants– Check! Technically I learned 20 Bach Flower remedies, and what THEY do, but I did it.
22. Meditate for 7 minutes 30 days in a row
23. Adjust wake up time to 6am consistently
24. Journal 1 page 30 days in a row
25. Do a 10km race in less than 1:09
26. Do a 5K race in less than 32 minutes
27. Do a mini triathalon
28. Learn to redo upholstered furniture
29. Paint a picture worthy of hanging in my house
30. Get my photos printed and in albums
31. Backcountry camp
32. Backcountry snowboard
33. Watch Kyla’s list of movies I must see
34. Read 5 classic childrens novels
35. Plant a garden with carrots, peas, beets, lettuce, tomatoes
36. Learn how to do some canning.
37. Learn to make pierogies
38. Can 7 different items
39. Write a letter to my 30 year old self
40. Raft the bow
41. Glacier climb
42. Take a rock climbing class
43. Swim under a waterfall
44. Play one season of Rec Soccer
45. Go on a 3 day date
46. Take a photography class
47. Go vegan for 3 days
48. Go vegetarian for 1 week
49. Eat “raw” Breakfast and lunch for 1 week
50. Go 3 weeks without missing my vitamins or probiotics
51. Create a fancy cake
52. Buy nothing for one week
53. Not miss church for 6 weeks in a row
54. Eat only unprocessed foods for 1 week
55. Wear high heels every Monday for a month.
56. Take 2 spontaneous trips
57. Have Julie do my photos– check! Julie Jenkins, you Rock my world
58. Go Whitewater rafting
59. Take another whitewater rafting class
60. Sew a baby quilt
61. Learn 25 homeopathic remedies – Check! Go on test me….
62. Have one zero impact day
63. Get a composter
64. Get pots and pans that will last 25 years without breaking
65. Get a hot stone massage
66. Have “High Tea” in Banff or Lake Louise
67. Ski Castle Mountain
68. Do an ER run at Lake louise– Check. Perhaps Boomerang does not count…but it does.
69. Learn to play 3 card games
70. Get a dog
71. Get a fish– Check! He Died.
72. Serve supper at the Foothills shelter
73. Go to a movie alone– Check! Harry Potter!
74. Take 1 skiing lesson
75. Skinny dip
76. Learn how to tell the difference between 2 wines– Check! Cab and Shiraz. Easy peasy.
77. Have a fancy Christmas party
78. Give 5 homemade Christmas gifts (not baking)
79. Eat at an Ethiopian Restaurant
80. NEW: Eat at an East Indian Buffet
81. Treat a friend to fancy dinner just because
82. Write a letter to 5 inspirational women thanking them
83. Cancel Cable.– Check. again. Julie.
84. Finish my cloud project.
85. Go to the zoo– Check! Fun!
86. Visit 10 different museums
87. Close the bar at Stampede
88. NEW: Take a random trip.
89. NEW: Get a mac.
90. Read the Alchemist- Check! Did not love it. Am I alone with this?
91. Read Finding your North Star
92. Learn 10 constellations and identify them
93. Keep a houseplant alive for 365 days
94. Zip line
95. Smudge.
96. Re-file life papers-Check! 2 Boxes to one file folder!
97. Open RRSP– Check!
98. Learn to jive
99. Get a small tattoo
100. NEW: Fall in love with myself. Ha! Take that Category 5 year 25 hurricane!
101. Have a butterfly land on my finger again.

Wow! I am astonished at how much I have completed!

More to do more to do! But so fun!



Its been a while….

So much to do! So many things going on!

Whhhhhaaaattt? Its seriously April? February, March seem to have slipped my hands!

Here is to writing more posts! (I hope!)


Sunny beautiful morning

I woke up with the sun shining in my window. It was fantastic! I knew the day was beautiful before I even opened my eyes!

I did what I wanted, with no agenda, got nothing to little done and I feel blissful. I wish I had just a little bit more time today to spend doing a little bit less. For next week I suppose.

As I go to sleep on Sunday’s I like to think of what my week’s focus will be on.

This week:

The little things: mailing that letter, doing the wreched paper work that i have been carrying around for 3 weeks, the small things that make life annoying sometimes.

Move my body: I feel the urge to hit the gym hard despite my RIDICULOUS sciatic nerve making me crazy! (as I type this I am icing) So I want to do some swimming and running. Perhaps a little biking!

Love as always!


Job. Home. Love.

Last year, when life got really tough, no job, ended relationship as it was, living on people’s extra beds and bedrooms I made myself a mantra. 3 easy words that I could look forward to and deal with.

Job. Home. Love.

I made those 3 words in that order and had not said anything else about what they would look like. I had hopes of what I wanted, but no expectations. I wanted them in that order. Meaning, I would deal with my job situation first, my home situation next and then love would hopefully, inevitably come.

One day I sat on my bed and I closed my eyes. I did a very powerful visualization excercise, that to this day, I continue to remember. I visualized myself in a classroom, with lots of windows, I was sitting on a pretty chair, there were books and little children all around me and the ceiling of the classroom had beautiful fabric. Not long after that I got a phone call for an interview of a place that I had put my resume in for haphazardly and forgotten about. When they gave me a tour of the place I felt at ease, one particular classroom I went in was it. That was the EXACT place I was visualizing. I was brought nearly to tears at that very moment. I still had to do an interview, but my confidence was boosted knowing that I would be here. This was the place.

My classroom is a little different now, it is in a different place, but I still sit on a pretty chair with fabric from the ceilings and books and little ones all around me.

It is the next phase, Home.

I signed the papers for my place the other day, I love it. There is room, there is everything I want and ask for, I can bike to work, I have a view of the mountains close, I am on the way out-of-town towards the mountains, it is perfect. I am starting to visualize how I want to fill my house with beauty and really make it mine. I am getting very, very excited!

Having just a 3 word mantra to focus on is so powerful. It allowed me to know that “Ok, do not worry about home and love right now, that is going to come, but RIGHT NOW, you need to worry about your job. Getting a job, being the best you can at the job you are at, and developing that deep passion about that job”  and I did. Is it easy and perfect every day, no, Friday was a SHIT SHOW but most days are fabulous, I have a Manager that respects and cares about me, and colleagues that are fantastic! I am so grateful for my job with all of its blessings and challenges.

I am starting to get anxious about Love now….but having this mantra is helping so much, this is the Home time, Love time will come and until then have a BLAST maintaining my job and creating my home.

Isn’t life exciting?

Love as always


The appartment


I literally found the best deal in the entire world.

$780 for:

2 bedroom
well maintained
biking distance from work (YIPPPEEE!!!)
very decent landlord
deck/yard area
free parking
TONNES OF STORAGE (please note, all my people who I have stored things at your house, I will be reclaiming those items soon)
laundry inside
nice kitchen!

I have a big bad plan of decorating already. So fun. So excited. Can’t wait! (Heck yes you will get pictures when its all ready!)

Love as always,


I assume you made the jump from that other place we were hiding!

This is the ORIGINAL blog. It has been a random smackling of things, and will continue to be a random smackling of things good and fun! I have no plan right now, mostly to speak my mind and have a good time and improve my “writing” skills. We will see how that all works out!

So welcome, please stand by will I prepare this ship for good and worthy. In the meantime peruse some fun things in the archives and enjoy. Oh! And subscribe through email or RSS feed! Fun!

Love as always,

Stillness Speaks

I have not written in a long time. I do have excuses, work, working on a relationship, work again, running, shopping, you know the gammut…but I think about writing, so that is what matters right?

In my insanity of starting a new job, working on a relationship, training for a half marathon, trying to catch up on things that I was too ill and sad to do in the last 7 months, I have gotten busy. Very busy. Like so busy that for the first time since university I had difficulty going to bed before 12am because I am so wound tightly that I am incapable of falling asleep. I move all day. I have 24 special needs preschoolers, 3 magnificent CDF’s, 48 parents and 6 therapists that I work for. I move all day. I do not sit except to read a story. That is truly the best part of my day, I try to pick long ones that I love so we can all sit for a little bit.

Busy is good. I actually really love it, I am happy with where I am, I am happy that Batman and I are working, I am happy that my job makes the minutes feel like nanoseconds and I am so happy to into work I wake up BEFORE my alarm clock goes off. Something that has not happened since, well, I was 7? I feel the flow of my organization, eating well, running well, my friends are close to me, my family is taken care of in my eyes. All is good.

Until Tuesday.

My body became overwhelmed. I was ignoring the signs. The sore throat, the fidgets, the sleeping in and being JUST on time for work. Then the tooth. Ah yes the ignored tooth that can always be “paid for” later. It became an emergency. The rest of the week was spent not running, not with friends, not working effectively and not being any help to anyone but the hole in my mouth.

So I sat still. Mostly because I needed to. But also because I realized that I took on a little bit too much a little bit too fast. And I sat still. This weekend I grudgingly turned down an offer to party to stay home and rest. It was active rest, it was baking, but I was nurturing myself. In my frantic pace I was unable to make the things I needed to nourish my special body, and paid for it in an allergic reaction after a poor choice.  I had a fantastic lunch with a friend, and was lucky enough to enjoy the sunshine a little bit and walk for a bit in the park. I could not run because I am still in a bit of pain, so I had to walk. At first I thought walking would be excruciating for my body as it longs to take off and run. But, in my self imposed rule to walk I noticed a pheasant, a brown squirrel (not a ucky black one), fighting sparrows and little kids laugh. I walked for about an hour.  Alone. It was so still. The leaves are turning, the air is cooler, fall is coming, it is my favorite time.  And now as I sit and write this, I feel better, my tooth pain is still there, I am still sniffly, but my mind is clear and my eyes feel brighter. I have thought through the things that have ailed me emotionally and physically this weekend. Are my problems solved? I wish. But I do feel like my mental clutter has been reset. I am ready to be my best me this week. For me first, for my kids, for my colleagues, for my family, for the one I love a lot, for my friends. For the people who might need me.

What I have come to realize is that solitude and stillness are fulfilling. Where I used to run away from it for years, I run to it now. How was I ever able to think when all that I was filled with was people, noise and thoughts? How did I ever problem solve when all I did was do do do? When I had lunch with my friend today, I recognized in her how she had been giving everything away. She taught me to take always what I needed for my soul and body first and then give, and now I had to reflect that on to her. I am sending her all of my thoughts and love, for I know she needs it. But, what if we stopped for a bit? In my 24 hours of pretty much silence and solitude I have realized that I am flying too fast for my body to handle. After all, I am NOT 21 anymore. :)I need to take the time in my jam packed life for my mind to unpack the thoughts and feelings and memories and problems. When people are there I now have to admit, that will not work for me. I have changed, and in turn I have changed the way I solve problems (thank god for all!) and think of things (hallelujah!) and do things (finally) and I know now that the ONLY way I will survive is to shut my mouth, shut my brain and be still for a little bit.

Sit still. Watch the moss grow. Listen to the wind. Hear little kids with little words singing. Sip your coffee slowly. Stop walking. Walk instead of run. Bake for 3 hours food I can eat comfortably. Breathe.

A friend often asks me how I see signs and lessons in so much. I cant answer that darling, you have to just be open. But my lesson I learnt from my one little gnarly tooth that I ignored for so long, was that I need to remember the biggest lesson I have learned this year….
No matter how many 3 year olds need you, no matter how much you want to be beside that beautiful man, no matter how much you want to spend hours on the phone with your mom, or spend in starbucks with your BFFEL, or how many kms you NEED to run, or how many IPP’s goals for your kids you can finish in a day. If you dont sit still, you won’t get to hear the story.


Bye for now Bruce….

...and then with one last beautiful sweeping turn, he dropped out of sight. Gone to become the powder.

My friend Bruce has been fighting the worst battle of his entire life and has surrendered to the end and has passed away. Cancer was the culprit, seething throughout his blood, it gave him no chance to excercise his right to fight. He did for a while, but the disease was much too much.

To be honest, I have never had a friend leave earth. I have had 2 people close to me leave, but never a friend. It feels different.

Bruce was different. Dan and I met Bruce, M.F. and Emelie in December of 2007. We went out for some Powder, to learn to snowboard and to get away for New Years Eve. When we got to their house we were astonished at the hospitality Bruce and M.F. showed us. While M.F. took care of Emelie, Bruce shared a glass of wine and ski stories. I thought that Dan may have gone to heaven, someone who had the love of skiing like him, was one of the nicest guys in the area, and showed us the routes to boot! We had a great time while in Golden that winter.

Spring came, and after being back to Golden a few more times, we decided that we NEEDED to be there. I remember saying to Dan, “If everyone in Golden is as nice as Bruce is, we need to be here forever” and he agreed. We purchased our land out there soon after.

Bruce inspired me. He inspired me to think outside the box in my relationships, in the way I honored the hill, in my outlook on life. I did not know Bruce’s story inside and out, but I was astonished at how easily he shared things with me that other people may not be comfortable sharing. I would often ask him questions, that perhaps I would not ask anyone else that I knew on a level like Bruce, and he would oblige, with the truth and from the heart. Bruce inspired me to become a better snowboarder, to understand the importance of community- in a place like Golden, to take chances, to live life to the very fullest. I can still picture his smile beaming back at me when he made rice bread for me. He took a risk at 5:30am for me and it turned out beautifully. Nobody else has attempted that feat.

The last night I spent with Bruce before I left for Regina for the summer was awesome. We chatted all night and he made supper for me. That is right, Bruce, who I was there to take care of, made supper for me.  I remember I woke up hourly to listen across the hall to make sure he was still there and comfortable. Even close to the sickest he was, he was still so kind to me, I remember leaving that morning and feeling like if I never got to see him again on earth, he would definitely be part of my heaven. On the ski hill of course. In the meadow.

Bruce taught me that it is imparative that we do not take a single day for granted. He lived life. Bruce lived to the max, he was successful, he was happy no matter what. Bruce worked a lot of bars and serving. He was a people person, and even though the money was likely not always great, if it got him a lift ticket or some time to ride his bike, it was the best job ever.  He was able to start a beautiful business and had two of the most beautiful ladies in his life. Emelie will forever be in my heart, I know God only gives us what we can handle, and even though it will be very difficult forever, Emelie has the fight of Bruce in her to do it. M.F. will forever be in my heart, she will do amazing things with Emelie and I hope she can grieve and be sad and then know that Bruce is always one turn ahead of her (or behind her) on the ski hill.

It is with a heavy heart that I say in my own way, good bye for now Bruce. My first run this year will be fore you. One day,  I will see you in the Meadow. Bring powder.

Finding my 90%

Lately I have been thinking about my 90%. I have a lot of history with my 90%.

In  high school, I always seemed to get 89.9% on everything, knowing I can get much better.

I trained for 90% of a half marathon once, only to bail and not do the half marathon.

I can get through 90% of the school year being organized, happy and healthy, and fall apart on June 1st each year.

I will often write something and fall apart on the ending or last paragraph.

I will plan 90% of my day when teaching and leave the 10% for “tomorrow” or on my prep (when I have to clean up the last week’s 10%’s). Most times that 10% is forgotten at the student’s expense.

I will clean 90% of my living area and leave 10% behind to do later.

I will run 90% of the distance I have set out to run, only to stop and finish with 10% left.

When I dont finish right to 100% I feel a bit empty, a bit deflated, like I have left too much unattended and it weighs heavily on my brain. I think about it and regret often not finishing. Somethings I can finish, but others the moment has passed and I have no chance of changing it. I think it takes a toll on my life, and makes other things difficult to move out to the 100%. It leaves me with less control. It does not get me where I want to be.

Lately I have been trying to push through my 90%. I am attmpting to find that place where I can push through and finish things delightfully to the end and feel really good about it. I have been trying to run through, to push through feelings and thoughts and things I need to do. I try to accomplish as much as I possibly can without leaving that 10% hanging in the universe waiting to be done “tomorrow” or “later”.

Today is later, and today is the tomorrow we were waiting for. What if I leave my 10% behind and never get a chance to try again? What if I break my leg tomorrow and never get a chance to do the half marathon that I want to do? What if I never get the chance to finish what I want to finish or feel completely what I want to feel or heaven forbid, follow through with the plans that I can make to 90% and need the extra 10% completion rate?

What is your 10%? I have someone in my life that does things 30% and leaves 70% undone, I have someone in my life who gets 80% and then is unsatisfied by non-perfection and will not finish the other 20% that needs to be done. What is your number? Maybe you dont have a number. That is cool. But how much further can you go? How much more can you stretch?