Stillness Speaks

I have not written in a long time. I do have excuses, work, working on a relationship, work again, running, shopping, you know the gammut…but I think about writing, so that is what matters right?

In my insanity of starting a new job, working on a relationship, training for a half marathon, trying to catch up on things that I was too ill and sad to do in the last 7 months, I have gotten busy. Very busy. Like so busy that for the first time since university I had difficulty going to bed before 12am because I am so wound tightly that I am incapable of falling asleep. I move all day. I have 24 special needs preschoolers, 3 magnificent CDF’s, 48 parents and 6 therapists that I work for. I move all day. I do not sit except to read a story. That is truly the best part of my day, I try to pick long ones that I love so we can all sit for a little bit.

Busy is good. I actually really love it, I am happy with where I am, I am happy that Batman and I are working, I am happy that my job makes the minutes feel like nanoseconds and I am so happy to into work I wake up BEFORE my alarm clock goes off. Something that has not happened since, well, I was 7? I feel the flow of my organization, eating well, running well, my friends are close to me, my family is taken care of in my eyes. All is good.

Until Tuesday.

My body became overwhelmed. I was ignoring the signs. The sore throat, the fidgets, the sleeping in and being JUST on time for work. Then the tooth. Ah yes the ignored tooth that can always be “paid for” later. It became an emergency. The rest of the week was spent not running, not with friends, not working effectively and not being any help to anyone but the hole in my mouth.

So I sat still. Mostly because I needed to. But also because I realized that I took on a little bit too much a little bit too fast. And I sat still. This weekend I grudgingly turned down an offer to party to stay home and rest. It was active rest, it was baking, but I was nurturing myself. In my frantic pace I was unable to make the things I needed to nourish my special body, and paid for it in an allergic reaction after a poor choice.  I had a fantastic lunch with a friend, and was lucky enough to enjoy the sunshine a little bit and walk for a bit in the park. I could not run because I am still in a bit of pain, so I had to walk. At first I thought walking would be excruciating for my body as it longs to take off and run. But, in my self imposed rule to walk I noticed a pheasant, a brown squirrel (not a ucky black one), fighting sparrows and little kids laugh. I walked for about an hour.  Alone. It was so still. The leaves are turning, the air is cooler, fall is coming, it is my favorite time.  And now as I sit and write this, I feel better, my tooth pain is still there, I am still sniffly, but my mind is clear and my eyes feel brighter. I have thought through the things that have ailed me emotionally and physically this weekend. Are my problems solved? I wish. But I do feel like my mental clutter has been reset. I am ready to be my best me this week. For me first, for my kids, for my colleagues, for my family, for the one I love a lot, for my friends. For the people who might need me.

What I have come to realize is that solitude and stillness are fulfilling. Where I used to run away from it for years, I run to it now. How was I ever able to think when all that I was filled with was people, noise and thoughts? How did I ever problem solve when all I did was do do do? When I had lunch with my friend today, I recognized in her how she had been giving everything away. She taught me to take always what I needed for my soul and body first and then give, and now I had to reflect that on to her. I am sending her all of my thoughts and love, for I know she needs it. But, what if we stopped for a bit? In my 24 hours of pretty much silence and solitude I have realized that I am flying too fast for my body to handle. After all, I am NOT 21 anymore. :)I need to take the time in my jam packed life for my mind to unpack the thoughts and feelings and memories and problems. When people are there I now have to admit, that will not work for me. I have changed, and in turn I have changed the way I solve problems (thank god for all!) and think of things (hallelujah!) and do things (finally) and I know now that the ONLY way I will survive is to shut my mouth, shut my brain and be still for a little bit.

Sit still. Watch the moss grow. Listen to the wind. Hear little kids with little words singing. Sip your coffee slowly. Stop walking. Walk instead of run. Bake for 3 hours food I can eat comfortably. Breathe.

A friend often asks me how I see signs and lessons in so much. I cant answer that darling, you have to just be open. But my lesson I learnt from my one little gnarly tooth that I ignored for so long, was that I need to remember the biggest lesson I have learned this year….
No matter how many 3 year olds need you, no matter how much you want to be beside that beautiful man, no matter how much you want to spend hours on the phone with your mom, or spend in starbucks with your BFFEL, or how many kms you NEED to run, or how many IPP’s goals for your kids you can finish in a day. If you dont sit still, you won’t get to hear the story.



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